Sunday, November 13, 2016
getting your shit together
this is a true story. both the picture above and the words that will follow it. for so long i've tried to get my shit together, get things under control, set my feelings aside, put my head down and push through... and let me tell you, it's pretty fucking exhausting. so guess what. i'm officially admitting, here and now, that i do *not* have my shit together. i'm not even sure that such a thing is possible. but pretending it's all under control isn't going to help things. trying to look at your life honestly is terrifying... truth is not for cowards. even just the half-truths we are able to recognize about ourselves can be overwhelming. even those half-truths, tamed and edited for public consumption are unsettling as hell. looking at myself and my life honestly creates a lot of the feels... because to be frank, it's not all rainbows & unicorns over here. in fact, i haven't seen a rainbow in ages.
on the recommendation of a friend, i bought the book "f*ck feelings" by michael bennett. i am only on page 21 and the thing is already dogeared and marked up... a sign of something worth reading. i am stuck on this paragraph:
"besides, your nasty, demonic side may be part of the spark that makes you creative, funny, and energetic. while that side may not be easy to control or live with, you can try to use that negative energy in good ways. becoming more positive doesn't mean becoming sweetly angelic, but rather, decently demonic, or at least decent enough that your friends don't all tell you to go back to hell."
i'm not saying i'm demonic - but i must admit there is a part of me that is hard to control and hard to live with. i suspect, if you're being honest, that you do, too. i think all this time i've been defining "having my shit together" as getting rid of that part of me, or at least stuffing it down far enough that it can't affect anything or anyone. no wonder it's exhausting. because maybe "having my shit together" means accepting *all* the pieces and parts of me, even the "demonic" ones, and figuring out how to be a whole person who is broken, instead of a broken person trying to be whole. does that make sense?
one way or another, writing things down is good for me. so here i am. i'm going to try to be honest. i'm going to try to be gentle with myself. being a human being is hard.