Sunday, November 27, 2016

here i am

today is my birthday.

it is my first birthday waking up alone with no one to celebrate me since i was born. on the heels of my first single thanksgiving, and facing my first single christmas... well, let's just say i'm feeling a little blue. my daughter thinks i want to get divorced... no one *wants* to pull apart their life, lose their intimate relationships and face an empty room. at least i certainly don't. but what do you do when it's been a very long time since either of you made each other happy? when you don't talk or laugh with each other and instead every conversation leads to an argument? when years  of time and commitment and therapy make no change, and only leave you both exhausted and resentful? it would be so much easier if someone had cheated or lied... then i'd have a concrete "right there, that's why". instead, all i have is that we don't fit. all i have is that he doesn't want me to come home, and i don't want to come home.

looking back on my year, it's been one of the best and worst of my life. the pendulum has swung across the gamut. i went to africa, and i'm getting divorced. two things i actually thought would never happen in my life. but here i am. being a human is hard.

*amendment*

that's all very sad sack stuff. and it's all true. but here is another thing that is true. this upcoming year holds a lot of possibilities. i want it to be a year where curtis and i, as we navigate the path ahead of us, become lighter. become happier. i want him to be truly happy... he is a good man. and i want to be happy, too. i know you can't build your life on something as fleeting as happiness, but i don't want to live without it, either. that's my birthday wish.

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